!!!!!!!Overwhelming !!!!!!!!!

This is my anxiousness talking, this is me writing mid panic attack.  This is me writing because no one else is awake, or responded to my message for help, or they simply don't care. 

 Im overwhelmed. By what you might ask and honestly I could list off many things that don't add up to much but have contributed to so much in my head.  Maybe you know this feeling of your life consisting of so many highs that it seems like there needs to be a low.  My life as of recently has been so amazing, i have met so many new people but mixed in with all the new people and experiences there gave been certain moments where many people would forget about them but i simply haven't.  

What i want to walkabout might get me in trouble because of past experiences but I want to say life is to much right now.  I wish I could take a step back and let it go on without me but I can't and sometimes I stare at my ceiling and wonder what I can do to make it all go away.  No I dont mean I want to go away but I wish everything else could.

To my ex who pretends to care only hen I'm around- you've hurt me more than you could ever imagine.  knowing I am simply someone your in love with when Im drunk has and is killing me.  Knowing that at the end of the day you don't wonder how mine is kills me.  knowing I still have strong feelings for someone who simply couldn't care less kills me.  But I can't talk about this to anyone because i know they would judge me.  What makes this situation worse is I have no way to talk to him about any of this.  If I we're to day this to him right now he would block me or solely get angry with me or he wouldn't respond at all.  Because were suppose to be friends but not actual friends.  I dot know how to fix this or how to fix my constant need to fix it.  

To my friend who has been there through everything- I know that what you say to me should always be taken wit a grain of salt a I am very dramatic but it hurts.  Knowing that almost everything that comes out of my mouth annoys you and make you not want to talk to me has driven me up the wall.  I have always been myself and as of recently I don't think people even like that. Who am I and what am I doing. Cause right now it seems like I only bring people down it seems like I'm in the way.  I know once this panic attack is over this emotion will simmer, but only simmer because they'll still be there.  I will still be here not knowing how to talk to anyone about my true feelings not feeling  comfortable or confident enough to say these thoughts to anyone.  I am so sad on the inside but you probably wouldn't know it because my life has been an evolving circle of highs. 

How do I feel better?