Hot Mess

Hi I know I haven't posted in awhile and thats because Ive been trying to live my best life.  While doing so someone has come in and out of my life but this time I thought it could be different, this time i thought we could be friends.  To put this relationship into terms that people would understand I would say this person was my first love and my only at this point in my life.  Me and this person went on for two years talking almost every single day knowing everything there is to know about a person but things changed.  Things became toxic and we didnt realize it until it got to the point where it was over our heads. We got to a point where we couldn't communicate without it blowing up and him blocking me, we got to a point where our love for one anther was expressed in anger.  He would scream at me over the phone and tell me how much I annoyed him and how there was something very wrong with me all because i asked too many questions.  but he always came back, being his bes

Coming To Terms  Growing up you meet a lot of different people and you son realize that some people live harder lives than others.  Some of my best friends lived and continue to live lives that you would neve even realize.  That’s something I’ve come to realize, everyone has ups and downs and I’ve also realized that I tend to be better fiends with people who have gone brought hard times.  Recently I went through a very rough time, for myself at least. Now looking back because it was only a few days ago I really am able to see who my friends are and who are the people that have a genuine interest in my life. What happened the other night, that I still have yet to come to terms with and once I do I will wore about it, it scared me.  I say this in as much as a positive way as I can but I’ve never felt so low. When I came out and I knew I needed people by my side and although I still haven’t told some of my friends what happened they have yet to even ask anything about anyhrjdn th

Doing Things You Hate No when I say this I don't mean emptying the dishwasher when you don't want to I mean you doing and saying things that you look back on and go why would you do that.  Yeah, I have many times and my most recent one as a boy.  Not just any boy wobbly the only boy Ive ever really loved and I'm still in love with but he's horrible.  This boy has powers I swear he knows exactly what to say to make me feel like shit he knows just what to say to make me go into full panic mode.  Ive gone back to this boy over and over and over again for the past two years, overtime knowing fully well that i shouldn't. Please tell me I'm not the only one please tell me that there are other people who do things they know that will only hurt them in the end but still do them. Please tell me why we do this things, and how to stop.  I swear I don't know any better.  I know someone can treat me right and I know in the ed that everything happens for a reason

You're Not Who I Thought You Were Yikes.   Have you ever heard that quote, this isn't exactly how it goes but anyway, that goes you can read the same book twice but its not going to mean the same thing it many to the first time we read it.  Have you ever watched your favorite movie or tv show over again and it just didn't feel the same.  That sucks and it suck even more whens its people.  Realizing someone you were really close with just isn't the same person you thought they were, or there not the person you've known them to be is devastating.  One of my good friends that I used to be very close with I recently got in contact with them agin and they are completely different all the feelings I and for this person act he feelings reciprocated are complexity different.  This conundrum just reminded me that we should really be savoring all of our good memories, because they just might not happen again.  Some people are really only meant to be in one part of you

T. H. I. N. G.          Thinking ,  Hearing ,  Important/Idols ,  Nibbling ,  Getting Thinking This month with the ending of this current semester (and the closer to graduation have gotten) Ive started thinking about the future and the ....real world.  I think  many  of us that are currently in college or university are scared for the  inevitable which is facing the real world.  I am very scared that move I get out if school I won't have a job or will have to do catch up work.  I am working very hard to get all the experience that I possibly can before graduating because as soon as I graduate I want to be able to ge right into the field. Let me know if anoeele has this very real fear and how your coping with it please! Hearing  With the recent festival (Coachella) Ive been listening to many of the stills that perfmoremed there.  My top two at the moment that I've been jamming to are Cardi B and her new album, as well as Post Malone and his new album (woo

Love Hurts yeah yeah (thats a joke hehe) How do you get over lose, how do you get over heartbreak?  These are silly questions because I'm sure we all know the answers, the way to get over it is to simply get over it.  Stop thinking about that person and move on, but we all know thats not that simple right.  As you may have assumed I had my first real break up with someone, and I wanted to write about it when I got over it but Im too impatient.  So here is me writing about a breakup that I'm still crying about at night.  Some days I'm very very sad she days Im really angry and some days I don't think about him at all.  He was my first real boyfriend I spent almost every day with him for the past year and a half and talking to him every day. Ive had a hard time figuring out who I am because over that course of time you turn into the other person.   Walking away from the relationship I relaxed just how unhealthy it was, and that was very very difficult to come to